Thursday 30 May 2013

Moral Pickle

This morning, I found myself in the middle of a huge moral pickle.

My car has a flat tyre. I discovered this at a time when my car is the lifeline between me and the rest of the world. Great.

My thought process went something like this:

Me: Shit...

Brain: You need to find a man to fix this....

Me: No, wait, what, why did you say that brain? I don't need a man I am a perfectly capable woman. I can change this tyre.

Brain: Hahahaha! No, you can't.

Me: Yes, I can.

Brain: But you're not strong enough.

Me: Well then I'll find someone to help me - doesn't have to be a man.

Brain: But you're massively accident prone - you'll probably lose a limb.

Me: I'll get help and I'll be careful.

Brain: Rosy, you can't do this.

Me: Yes, I can!

Brain: No. You can't.

Me: Give me one good reason, that doesn't require the help of a man or revolve around my accident-prone-ness

Brain: You don't have a spare tyre.

Shiiiiiiit!!

Ok, the last bit isn't true. I do have a spare. That was for comic effect. But everything else went pretty much along the same lines as you see it here.

So here's the moral pickle. Do I attempt to fix it myself, as a strong independent woman, knowing that I'm likely to break something, or do I admit
defeat and find someone (probably a man) to help?

For the time being, my car will have to stay where it is, sad and broken in its parking place of shame, until its owner can make up her indecisive mind and make it better.

I don't like pickles.

Monday 27 May 2013

"Rules"... 100 Word Challenge for Grown Ups

This week's prompt for the 100 Word Challenge for Grown Ups is "...there's always a sting in the tail..."  I wonder how many insect-inspired posts there will be...


"Rules"

She knows the rules.  Rules are safe.  Rules mean you don't get hurt.

But in her world, rules are there to be broken.

She tried.  Really, she did.  She could hear it, echoing around her head, as she started to run away.

But as she took her first step, she felt it.

Looking down, she saw it.  Small.  Nothing.  Not big enough to cause any damage.

But she knew she was wrong.

As she felt the pain, she remembered the words... "there's always a sting in the tail".

With wasps, the first rule is to always stand still.

Sunday 26 May 2013

Rosy's Guide to Surviving University

Or:  how not to set yourself up for failure.


So, with 12 hours to go until the first 7,000 words of my dissertation are due to be submitted, I've spent the last 3 hours sitting on my sofa catching up on yesterday's TV.  Why, you ask, with a deadline looming?

Well, I'm not entirely sure I believe it myself, but...  IT'S WRITTEN!  7698 words (I love the 10% rule) - DONE.  I don't think I have ever ever been in this situation.  Ever.  Yes, I've spent every day for the last ten days dragging my bum to the library and splashing words out left, right and centre;  I never want to see a Business Research Methods text book again, and if anyone says the word "engagement" to me this week, I will cry.  But it's done, which means I can spend this evening watching The Voice in peace.

Which brings me on to the topic of this post.  University.

The last dissertation I wrote was a total disaster.  I totally and utterly screwed up my undergrad degree.  I came bottom of my class (actually bottom;  I was the only person to not get a 2:1).  To go from being a straight A student all the way through school, to the class dunce was a massive achievement.  No, wait.  Failure.  Yup.

So now, four years on, to be nearing the end of a Masters degree with the potential to do a PhD, I'm just about ready to start forgiving myself for completely messing up first time round. 

I know some of the people who read my blog are current students, or are maybe thinking about going to study, either for the first time or again, so here is my advice.  In particular, I know there is at least one person reading this who should be revising for exams...  You know who you are...

You can take it or leave it, I won't be offended, but here is my guide to surviving university.

1.  Listen to YOU - you are the only person who knows what you want to do.  People can tell you what they think you should do, but that doesn't mean it's right for you.  Be it choosing a university, choosing a course, choosing a flat or choosing which clubs to join (or not), acknowledge other people's suggestions, but listen to what you want to do.  I didn't, and eight years after leaving school I'm frantically trying to catch up.

2.  Travel  - if you want to travel, do it.  Now is the time to go and explore the world.  Those long summer breaks students get (from about May through to September - I really miss those...) - actually use them!  I literally didn't stop working from October 2005 until I left my job a month ago, and although the money was great, I never actually had time to spend it until I graduated and discovered the wonderful world of bills and council tax.  Bye bye savings. 

3.  Eat - I don't mean eat fancy food or eat out every day, I mean just eat.  I didn't, and by the the middle of my first year at uni I was surviving on half a piece of toast and an apple a day.  The day I realised I was anorexic I was sitting at the top of a mountain, on my own, in the Scottish Highlands, having forced myself to eat half a bar of chocolate for the first time in six months, just so I would have the energy to get there. 

4.  Find the Library - don't wait until three months until the end of your final year - all the good seats will have gone.  I have a massive bit of a fear of books (too much knowledge, not enough brain power, aaargh!) so I think I used the library maybe three times the whole time I was an undergraduate student.  Maybe that's where I fell down...

5.  Read your notes - it took me until about two months ago, right before the end of my Masters degree to realise that lecturers actually aren't out to get you.  They do actually want you to pass.  Huh!  So when they set you essay questions or exam questions or homework questions, they've probably already told you the answer, to some extent at least.  All you need to do is actually look at that pile of lecture slides you've been doodling all over for the last three hours.  Genius!  (NB.  You may have to put in a bit more effort than that to actually pass, but it's a good starting point...)

6.  Ask questions - as an undergrad student, I always assumed that Lecturers and tutors were experts in everything, and everything they told you was gospel.  Turns out, nope, they're actually human too.  And they get it wrong sometimes.  AND they generally don't mind if you ask them questions.  Just make sure it's relevant and it isn't something they just said while you were busy doodling/ texting your mum/ boyfriend/ dog.

7. Check deadlines - As Douglas Adams said, "I like deadlines.  I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by".  I'm pretty sure he was talking about me when he said this.  But as true as it may be, don't leave it until the last minute.  A degree is not worth that much stress! 

8.  Meet people - I can pretty much guarantee you will never see most of the people you meet in Freshers Week ever again.  So join societies/ sports clubs/ volunteer/ get a job...  whatever - just go and meet some people.  There are some crazy, super, awesome people in universities, waiting to be your friend.  You just have to go and look for them!

9.  Do stuff - this is basically me trying to tell you not to spend your whole life at uni studying, and equally don't spend your whole life in the pub.  I tried both.  Clearly neither worked.  Just go out and explore - see the city you live in outside of student-central, you might just fall in love with it!  (And if you don't, it's ok - you'll be leaving before you know it!)

10.  Relax - just chill out.  It'll be fine.  And if it's not, smile, meditate, go for a walk, scream, punch something, drink tea and eat cake.  Whatever you need to do, do it.  As a wise person I know likes to say, it'll be ok in the end.  If it's not ok, it's not the end.


My Graduation Day
You know what?  So what I messed up?  I still graduated.  I still came away from four years with a piece of paper that says I went to University.  I got to spend an awesome (but really really hot) day surrounded by my friends and family, and then walk away at the end knowing I'd survived.  That'll do. 

That'll do.

Thursday 23 May 2013

How to eat an elephant. Part ii.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about my experiences of counselling and how difficult identifying the problem and actually dealing with it can be. 

Since writing about this, I've found that throwing the elephants out of the window maybe isn't as easy as I originally thought.  If you tie a piece of string to the elephant's tail and hold tight, you're never going to get rid of it.  (If you're confused about the elephants, read this post).

Since leaving my job, I've spent a lot of time reflecting and realised I've been clinging on to a lot of pieces of string.  And now they're all starting to get tangled.  Having a lot of metaphorical string in my head is not fun.  It turns out that even just working through the "easy" stuff isn't actually that easy.  Wish I'd seen that brick wall coming! 

This week, I tried a new approach.  Instead of trying to store a herd of elephants in my head, I reverted to revision-mode and put my elephants down on paper.

Cue cards
Putting them down on cue cards took the elephants out of my head, and introducing my counsellor to my elephants lifted a massive weight from my shoulders.  The brick wall just got a little bit smaller.

But now I have a stack of issues staring me in the face.  It's hard to hide physical pieces of paper in the storage unit at the back of my mind.  Probably impossible.

Maybe this is what I need.  Maybe to get over that wall, I need to stare those elephants down. Bring it.

(NB, I'm aware I'm using a lot of metaphors.  There's probably some psycho-babble that would suggest I'm trying to avoid talking about something.  That's ok.  I like metaphors.) 

Tuesday 21 May 2013

"The points were sharp"... 100 Word Challenge for Grown Ups

This week's prompt for the 100 Word Challenge for Grown Ups was inspired by a trip to an acupuncturist.  

After posting my last 100 Word Challenge for Grown Ups post, I realised I'd got it in just under the wire, with just a few hours until the next prompt was posted.  As I have a friend staying with me this weekend, and I have 7000 words of my dissertation to write before next Monday, I thought I'd get this one in with time to spare!

My inspiration for my 100 words was this picture, taken in the Amazon rainforest on a Girlguiding trip to Guyana:

Poison Dart Frog
... the points were sharp...

The points were sharp, tipped with the poison of the yellow frog found hiding in the water that collects at the bottom of the bucket plants, deep in the rainforest.

Maybe not so deep after all.  Not anymore.  The men and their machines were moving closer.  Every day, trees would fall, the birds and animals running, screaming for help. 

Nothing could help them now.  Nothing but her poison-tipped arrows and her perfect aim.  Deep down, she knew she stood no match against the men and their machines.  But still she stood, arrow drawn.  The points were sharp, tipped with poison.

Monday 20 May 2013

Two Little Girls - 100 Word Challenge for Grown Ups

A fellow blogging friend of mine recently introduced me to the 100 Word Challenge for Grown Ups.  Every week or so, a prompt is given, and bloggers are invited to write 100 words inspired by that prompt.  



 Here is my first attempt, with this week's prompt from Maris World.

Two Little Girls


Two little girls stood on a bridge, looking out into their future.

"Where will we go? What will we see?
What will we know? Who will we be?
Will we still be friends when we are old?
Will we always ask questions or do what we're told?

What will we look like? Will we be rich?
Will we be married or live in a ditch?
Will there be flowers and stories and cake?
And will we come back to our bridge by the lake?"

Two little girls stood on a bridge, looking out into their future.

Volunteering - are we really as altruistic as we think we are?


Last weekend, I spent three exhausting days running around an Outdoor Education Centre with a large group of Brownies (girl guides, not cake).  We headed down to Hexham on a bus on Friday night, which for some of the girls was not only their first time away from home but also their first time out of Scotland.  So their expectations were set pretty high...  No pressure then!

The weekend was hectic.  Before we even had time to put our bags down, we were whisked off for a quick meal and then taken to do archery. On Saturday, we did seven different activities (including crate climbing, walking along an aerial beam, a zip wire and a blindfolded obstacle course through the woods) with just a few minutes break between each.  By the time we reached the campfire in the evening, I think the only reason I was still functioning was the packet of illicit Opal Fruits (I think they call them Starburst these days...  Pah!) I was munching my way through!  Sunday was marginally less busy, with just two activities.  Add in packing and leaving (have you ever tried to coordinate 30 girls to do anything quickly?  Imagine trying to herd sheep...), plus the fact we were all exhausted (note to self - ALWAYS take a blanket), and the stress levels were starting to rise.  Thankfully, there was a DVD player on the bus, which meant I didn't spend the whole bus journey singing at the girls in the hope they would keep the mayhem to a dull roar.  I'm assuming we watched a film...  I vaguely remember the first 5 minutes of Shrek, and the last 10 minutes of Madagascar 3, and a weird dream about Brownies hanging by their ankles from climbing ropes and trees.  I hope that was a dream anyway...

There is a point to my story.  Bear with me.

I got home on Sunday night, and did I do what any sensible person would do - put my pyjamas on, make a cup of tea and lie on the sofa all evening?  No.  I dropped my bags, picked up some snacks and rushed off to a lovely friend's house to tell her all about my weekend. 

I love volunteering with this group of girls - they have such a wide range of experiences and abilities, and there is something incredibly rewarding about seeing them develop and become independent (mostly) young women.  

But starting to write my dissertation over the last week has really made me think about why I actually volunteer (I should point out now - my dissertation is about engagement and retention of volunteers).

Am I really doing this to help other people, or am I just doing this for me?  Why do I really give up an evening a week (this is a gross underestimation, but I can pretend this is all I do...), a room in my flat and the boot of my car to volunteering?  

This is how much I love volunteering!

Yes, I love helping girls learn how to become independent and make their own choices, to question things and to try new things.  But I also love the buzz I get from doing all these things.  I love the fact that I've been able to travel, and meet new people, and try new food and make amazing new friends.  I love that the opportunities I've had look great on my CV.

And it's that last point that makes me question my motives.  Would I still do it if I couldn't use any of this to impress people and get a decent job?

If someone turned round tomorrow and told me they would give me a million pounds but I had to give up either volunteering or a limb, would I choose volunteering?

Truthfully?

I'd tell them to stick their million pounds and take my left arm.  I don't need it that much anyway.

Despite the stress of the occasional accidentally-stabbed-myself-in-the-eye/hand/chest child (and accident prone Little Owl (that's me)) and the stack of paperwork that inevitably follows; despite the hysterical tears of I-miss-my-mum-even-though-I'll-see-her-in-an-hour-and-a-half (how do these kids get through a day at school?!); despite the so-and-so-isn't-talking-to-me-because-I-did-something-I-shouldn't-have-done-and-it's-her-fault; despite the we're-not-listening-to-you-no-matter-how-loud-you-shout-or-how-nicely-you-ask...  Despite all of it, I would still give a limb before giving up.

I honestly don't know why, and I have the feeling my dissertation is going to make me even more confused.  But I do know that it's not purely altruism that drives me.  And I'm ok with that.  I'm starting to realise that it is ok to think about yourself sometimes, despite what the Brownie Guide law tells us

But please don't tell my Brownies that.     

Thursday 9 May 2013

A list - what do I WANT?

So, yesterday I may have had a small meltdown.  That realisation that unemployment means it is actually possible to sit on the sofa for 12 hours without moving hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.

But I promised yesterday that I would go outside today, and that I would write a list.  The plan was to write a list about what I want from my next job move/ my life.  That hasn't really happened.  What I did write was a list of things I want to do while I don't have a job.  Not what I think other people think I should do.   

Well, I thought I'd share my list with you.  That way, maybe someone will hold me to account and make sure I don't spend the next four months (until my savings run out and my dissertation is due) eating cake in my pyjamas.

So here's the list:

  1. Blog more - when I started this blog, I wanted to tell people about what I was up to in New York.  Which I did.  And then I realised that I quite enjoy writing down the nonsense that pops into my head.  After my short period of writer's block, I realised I enjoy it so much, I've even bought a little notebook which I carry round with me to write down things that I think of during the day.  So although there may be periods of radio silence, I am going to write at least two posts each week.  
  2. Clean more - I got home one evening last week to find my kitchen had been taken over by a herd of centipedes (well, three).  I can deal with crawling things (as long as they're not furry, jumpy or near my face - I once killed a rare butterfly at butterfly world because it flew near my face, but don't tell anyone) - but I very much dislike them being in my kitchen.  Now that I have the time, I'm going to do a proper spring clean, before it gets much warmer outside and the crawling things become too big to throw out of the window.
  3. Cook more - I opened the fridge this afternoon to find the following: garlic bread (reduced to 29p), half a foot-long rocky road cake (reduced to 43p, out of date, still delicious!), Quorn ham (reduced to 17p), half a garlic clove (shriveled, probably inedible), and six mushrooms (just about still edible).  The freezer is not much better.  I suppose now I don't have a job, I don't have the excuse that I'm too busy/ exhausted to cook.  A dinner of garlic bread and potato waffles just won't do any more.
  4. Skype more - I have a lot of friends in a lot of places all over the world, and although I have a vague idea of what they're up to (thanks to the wonder/ nightmare that is Facebook), I actually have no idea what they're doing and how they are.  I've never been very good at keeping in touch with people (I'm the person who sees a text messages, plans the response, thinks I've sent it and realises three days later that I either half wrote it and got distracted by something shiny, or sent it to the wrong person).  I hate the fact I'm not very good at keeping in touch.  So I will try harder.  I just need to remember my Skype password...
  5. Plan more - I am even worse at sticking to a plan than I am at keeping in touch with people.  I think the only plan I've kept to recently was the one to leave my job, and even that didn't go to plan (yes, I left, but the rest of the plan went out of the window).  I would quite like to organise myself to be more organised.  To do lists will be stuck to the wall; I will know what I'm going to have for dinner every day (and make sure the relevant ingredients are actually in the flat rather than still in Lidl/ Tesco); my diary and my phone calendar will be in sync, with the same events on the same days at the same times; and I will achieve something every day.  Even if that something is just brushing my hair (future blog-post about that to come).  
  6. Get out more - I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the whole wide world, and yesterday I spent the day sitting in my pyjamas on the sofa.  What a spectacular waste of time.  I need to go exploring, to visit places and actually see them, rather than rush past on my way to somewhere more important
  7. Photograph more - I have a beautiful digital SLR camera that I was given for my 21st birthday, which has spent most of the last 6 months collecting dust.  I love taking photos, but I was too scared to take my fancy camera to New York, and I've been too busy since I got back to be able to do anything.  I'm going to try and start with a "photo a day" and see where that takes me.
  8. Sleep more - Sleep is wonderful, but I never seem to get enough of it.  Rather than feeling lazy for not getting up at 7am every day, I'm going to use that time to recharge my batteries.  This is not a bad thing!
  9. Volunteer more - I love volunteering.  If someone would pay me to volunteer, my life would be sorted.  I've come to the conclusion that one of the best ways to get some experience in an area I'm actually really keen to work in is to volunteer.  I know I'd like to work on issues relating to violence against women and girls, but there is a heeeeuuuuge range of options within that, and since I apparently have no relevant experience or qualifications, or idea where to start, I might as well start with volunteering!
  10. Study more - I have been really rubbish at studying this year.  I had an exam on Tuesday and didn't start revising until last Friday, and that's the most organised I've been since January.  I really want to do a good job of my dissertation, so I am going to spend at least one day a week in the library.  Actually reading, not just playing on Facebook and cowering in fear (books scare me - too much knowledge that I will never know - don't ask).  And I will meet with my Supervisor at least more than once in the next three months.  Maybe I'll start tomorrow.
So that's the list.  I'll keep you posted with how it's going!
Rx        

Wednesday 8 May 2013

What are you doing with your life?

What AM I doing with my life?

This is a question I have been asked a lot over the last few weeks, mostly because I took the massive decision to leave my job and take on the exciting world of unemployment.

I will explain.  When I was in New York, I realised that there is something in the world that I am actually incredibly passionate about.  Coming back to the UK and going back to work made me realise that, actually, my job was not that thing.  Doing a job that I'm not passionate about, that is exhausting, and that I just don't enjoy, is not what I want to do with my life.

Choosing to leave my job was one of the toughest decisions I think I have ever made.  I spent hours crying at my boyfriend, trying to work out how we would survive without my income, and desperately applying for every single job vacancy that I was even remotely qualified for (and some that I really wasn't - way to set yourself up for failure!) until one day I realised that, really, this was just making the situation worse.  Rather than stress about "what next", I should just go for it.  Jump off the edge and see what happens.   

I recently wrote a guest-post for my friend's blog about my "quarter-life crisis".  A lot of people thought this was a sign - leaving my job so "suddenly" was irrational, a snap-decision, and just plain stupid. But trust me, it wasn't all that sudden really - it took me well over a year to realise it was what I needed to do.  This is the thing I have thought about the most in my whole life, and for someone who is incredibly impatient, that is quite an achievement.  And yes, it probably is stupid, but if I don't do it now, when will I? 

The way I see it, I don't have a mortgage, I don't have kids, I don't have a wedding or other big event to plan - other than rent, bills and food, I don't have any financial commitments.  Heck, I don't even have to stay in the same city (or country) if I don't want to.  So now is the perfect time to step out into the world and see what I can find. 

Today is the first day that I haven't had something to distract myself with (what with finishing work, exams and a funeral, the last week has been pretty insane).  Today is the first day I have had at home, on my own, with nothing to do (apart from cleaning, writing a dissertation and catching up on all the other things I've neglected over the last 6 months, but we'll ignore that for now), and it's been...  interesting.

I knew that at some point this massive decision would hit me like a bus into a brick wall, so I thought I was ready for it.  There's something really very exciting about waking up in the morning knowing that there is nothing you need to get out of bed for, and that, when you do finally face the world, you can do anything you want to do, whenever you want to do it.  Well I think it's exciting anyway.

It's also bloody terrifying!  Today I woke up at 5am, a full 4 hours after going to bed.  On the first day in a very long time that I could have a lie-in, I was not impressed.  After three hours of annoying my boyfriend, I got up and made a plan - look for some jobs, do some cleaning, clear out my email inbox, start writing the project plan I've been putting off since I got back from New York (Andrea, if you're reading this - I'm sorry, I haven't forgotten, I promise!) and basically just take stock.

Nine hours later, what have I done?  Well, I'm still sitting on the sofa in my pyjamas.  I had a fried egg sandwich for lunch, and have drunk copious amounts of tea; I've watched three films, none of which I could tell you either the name of or the key plot points; I spent about five hours trawling the internet for job vacancies, which I've put into a lovely colour coordinated spreadsheet; and I had a little bit of a cry.  Just a little one.  We don't do emotion.

How am I feeling now?  Mostly exhausted.  I've never really done this job-hunting thing before.  In the past I guess I've been incredibly luck and have just sort of found something that fits exactly what I was looking for.  Not knowing what it is exactly that I'm looking for is spectacularly unhelpful.  Trawling through website after website, copying down the weblink, reading job descriptions and person specifications, and trying to convince myself that I do have the skill, experience and (most difficult of all) confidence to do x y and z, is really overwhelming.  Not helped by the fact that everything I want to do requires qualifications in everything but the things I am qualified in (I knew Grade 8 singing and the 1500m swimming badge were never going to come in handy!)

I think tomorrow I'll try a different tactic.  Tomorrow I will get dressed in the morning (not at 6pm when I realise we've run out of milk and need to drag my bum down four flights of stairs to the corner shop), I will take my laptop, and I will go outside.  I don't know where, but I can work that out tomorrow.  Rather than spend a whole day looking at lots and lots of different adverts, I'll try writing a list of what I want, and then find one job to apply for.  If I've taken this massive decision, I might as well do it properly.

So, for now, I'm going to eat cake.  Tomorrow... Well, tomorrow is another day!