There's a lot going on right now in the life of Rosy. If I start telling you everything, we'll still be here a week next Tuesday. I have an exam on that day so can't afford the time right now to tell you everything. Needless to say, I'm pretty stressed.
In the past, when I've been this stressed, I've pushed and pushed to keep going until I break. However, since I started seeing a counsellor, I'm aware that my body is telling me I'm stressed, but my brain is able to take a step back enough to let me write to do lists. Of course, I still have trouble remembering words, getting halfway through a sentence and forgetting what I was going to say, walking into a room and forgetting why, and I still find myself staring out of the window at the building work over the road. But having a list at least reminds me to do the stuff I need to do!
A very close friend and I were recently talking about the process of counselling. For some people, the process comes naturally - they're happy to talk about themselves and how they feel. For those people, emotion is a normal part of daily life. Actually, they're the people who probably don't need
counselling...
For those of us to whom none of this comes naturally, counselling is probably the last ditch attempt to deal with the inability to understand our emotions before we either accept that we probably need to think about medication or we're past that and the men (or women) in while coats will soon be knocking down the door.
I've seen counsellors in the past, mostly on the instruction of someone else. Unsurprisingly, nothing worked. When I went to see my doctor this time last year, I was adamant I could do this on my own. I don't need to waste an hour a week waiting for someone to say something, anything, just to break that awkward silence (no-one told me the counsellor will wait for you to speak first. So basically, I wasted countless hours all because of my inane need to be polite.) And I don't want to become dependant on someone else to make me feel better.
Anyway, I've digressed. You're probably wondering about the title of this post. Well, you know those days when you're very aware there's something you should be doing, and you know that everyone else knows about it, but no-one wants to be the first to talk about it? That's what counselling is like for me.
When I first went to meet my counsellor, I assumed he'd be able to fix all my problems in the twelve weeks allotted to me and I'd go away 'better'. Of course, the twelve weeks flew by, and as I became more confident and able to talk, I became more aware of the elephant in the room. And week by week the elephant grew and grew until it reached the point that it was so big I couldn't ignore it any more.
Someone told me the first step in counselling is recognising the problem. The problem is we've spent so long ignoring the elephant that we've dealt with all the fluff around it, which has just given the bloody animal more space to fill. To the point where I know I need to tackle this thing, but I have no idea where to start.
After a couple of weeks off (thanks to my epic trip to New York) I realised that the elephant isn't one big elephant, it's actually lots of little ones.
What's the best thing about little elephants? They're easier to pick up, one by one, look at from all sorts of angles, and then throw out of the window.
So dealing with my metaphorical elephants one bite at a time seems to be the way forward. I just need to catch one...
This has given me an awesome idea for my next tattoo (sorry mum).
NB. I'm not going to tell you what my elephant is. Also, I am vegetarian and would never condone eating elephants. Metaphorical or otherwise.
Monday 29 April 2013
Saturday 20 April 2013
Thank you
Hi everyone
I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who got in touch about my last post. There is so much stigma around depression, so I was in two minds (no pun intended) about posting it. Thank you for all your support and advice!
One of the things I've realised over the past 12 months is how many people are experiencing or have experienced some form of mental health issue, but how little people talk about it.
Posting about "courage" was a personal challenge, mainly to see if I could do it. I wasn't expecting the response I got. I guess I was hoping that if I could help just one person then it would be worth it. Well, hopefully I did that.
But if you are going through something tough, here are some tips that I've been given, and some things that I have found help. Not everything suits everyone, so try stuff, and find your own thing. Don't expect big changes to happen overnight. But they'll come.
1. Meditate - I always thought this was a bit "hippy", and there just wasn't enough time in the day for "sitting doing nothing". Well, turns out that may be where my problems come from. Not making time for me, to listen to me, to think about what my head is telling me and why. So a friend of mine suggested a series of 10-minute meditations from Headspace. Ten minutes is not a lot of time to sit down and do nothing but breathe and take in what your body is telling you. And although I've only actually done two of the series of ten sessions in the last 2 weeks (I have commitment issues), I've found I am more aware of what my head and my body are doing, even if the two aren't joined together sometimes!
2. Talking - It took me ten exhausting years to accept that, maybe, something wasn't right. After years of eating disorders, nightmares, panic attacks, paranoia and a whole bunch of other stuff, I went to my doctor and cried. For the first time, I properly spoke to someone. Although I've tried various forms of counselling over the past few years, I wasn't ready to accept there was a problem, so it felt like nothing worked. After I spoke to my doctor, I decided to tell a couple of friends. Without them, being able to share our experiences, I don't know how I would have got through this year.
3. Exercise - I actively dislike exercise. The thought of exercise chills me to the core. But once a week, I drag my bum off the sofa and go "splashing". I'm sure our awesome aquafit instructor intends it to be more than that, but to be honest, I'm generally just splashing around aimlessly. That's what makes it acceptable exercise. It doesn't feel like I'm actually doing any exercise (until I get out of the pool at the end) and it's fun. And for 50 minutes a week, I can beat the crap out of something (the water) like my life depends on it.
4. Eating - I've done the anorexia thing (not through choice. Let's not talk about it). It sucks. While I do still have issues with food, I've realised I need food too much to completely cut it out. There are days when I have to force myself to eat more than just garlic bread or potato waffles. On those days, soup, chilli and pasta (not together) are my secret weapons. I've also started buying frozen vegetables, tins of beans and jars of sauce, just so I can make sure I eat something, even if it is all from jars! And yes, there are days when my boyfriend has to remind me to eat. I'm so glad he's here! (Not going to get all soppy, I promise).
5. Writing - when I first started seeing a counsellor, I struggled to tell him what I was thinking, because I didn't know what I was thinking. He suggested I try writing a diary. After I'd finished laughing in his face, I left thinking he was as insane as I am. But then one day, when I realised I needed to talk to someone and didn't know where to go, I wrote an email. I don't know who I was planning on sending it to, but I wrote down everything that was in my head. Then I just saved it as a draft, and there it stays. Now, whenever I have "one of those days", I just start writing. Most of what I write will never go anywhere, but it's nice to be able to look back and see that, actually, things are changing.
This afternoon, I went to a training for a campaign I'm going to start volunteering on, and on the wall in the toilet cubicle was a poem. One phrase particularly hit me:
That's enough soul-searching for one day.
Keep smiling!
Rx
Ps, if you really need to talk, or feel like you can't cope on your own, don't suffer in silence - please tell someone. Go to the doctor or someone you trust. Or try one of these links:
- Health in Mind
- NHS
- Samaritans
I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who got in touch about my last post. There is so much stigma around depression, so I was in two minds (no pun intended) about posting it. Thank you for all your support and advice!
One of the things I've realised over the past 12 months is how many people are experiencing or have experienced some form of mental health issue, but how little people talk about it.
Posting about "courage" was a personal challenge, mainly to see if I could do it. I wasn't expecting the response I got. I guess I was hoping that if I could help just one person then it would be worth it. Well, hopefully I did that.
But if you are going through something tough, here are some tips that I've been given, and some things that I have found help. Not everything suits everyone, so try stuff, and find your own thing. Don't expect big changes to happen overnight. But they'll come.
1. Meditate - I always thought this was a bit "hippy", and there just wasn't enough time in the day for "sitting doing nothing". Well, turns out that may be where my problems come from. Not making time for me, to listen to me, to think about what my head is telling me and why. So a friend of mine suggested a series of 10-minute meditations from Headspace. Ten minutes is not a lot of time to sit down and do nothing but breathe and take in what your body is telling you. And although I've only actually done two of the series of ten sessions in the last 2 weeks (I have commitment issues), I've found I am more aware of what my head and my body are doing, even if the two aren't joined together sometimes!
2. Talking - It took me ten exhausting years to accept that, maybe, something wasn't right. After years of eating disorders, nightmares, panic attacks, paranoia and a whole bunch of other stuff, I went to my doctor and cried. For the first time, I properly spoke to someone. Although I've tried various forms of counselling over the past few years, I wasn't ready to accept there was a problem, so it felt like nothing worked. After I spoke to my doctor, I decided to tell a couple of friends. Without them, being able to share our experiences, I don't know how I would have got through this year.
3. Exercise - I actively dislike exercise. The thought of exercise chills me to the core. But once a week, I drag my bum off the sofa and go "splashing". I'm sure our awesome aquafit instructor intends it to be more than that, but to be honest, I'm generally just splashing around aimlessly. That's what makes it acceptable exercise. It doesn't feel like I'm actually doing any exercise (until I get out of the pool at the end) and it's fun. And for 50 minutes a week, I can beat the crap out of something (the water) like my life depends on it.
4. Eating - I've done the anorexia thing (not through choice. Let's not talk about it). It sucks. While I do still have issues with food, I've realised I need food too much to completely cut it out. There are days when I have to force myself to eat more than just garlic bread or potato waffles. On those days, soup, chilli and pasta (not together) are my secret weapons. I've also started buying frozen vegetables, tins of beans and jars of sauce, just so I can make sure I eat something, even if it is all from jars! And yes, there are days when my boyfriend has to remind me to eat. I'm so glad he's here! (Not going to get all soppy, I promise).
5. Writing - when I first started seeing a counsellor, I struggled to tell him what I was thinking, because I didn't know what I was thinking. He suggested I try writing a diary. After I'd finished laughing in his face, I left thinking he was as insane as I am. But then one day, when I realised I needed to talk to someone and didn't know where to go, I wrote an email. I don't know who I was planning on sending it to, but I wrote down everything that was in my head. Then I just saved it as a draft, and there it stays. Now, whenever I have "one of those days", I just start writing. Most of what I write will never go anywhere, but it's nice to be able to look back and see that, actually, things are changing.
This afternoon, I went to a training for a campaign I'm going to start volunteering on, and on the wall in the toilet cubicle was a poem. One phrase particularly hit me:
"Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway."
Give the world the best you've got anyway."
That's enough soul-searching for one day.
Keep smiling!
Rx
Ps, if you really need to talk, or feel like you can't cope on your own, don't suffer in silence - please tell someone. Go to the doctor or someone you trust. Or try one of these links:
- Health in Mind
- NHS
- Samaritans
Courage
The past twelve months, for reasons I'm not going to discuss here, have been tough. I mean, really really hard.
In May 2012, after nearly 10 years of fighting it, I finally accepted that I have depression.
Depression affects a lot of people in a lot of different ways, but one of the resounding effects is the feeling that you are alone in the world, and that you have to deal with everything all by yourself.
As someone who has spent their whole life (all 26 years of it) feeling like I need to look after people and trying to help everyone, I have often felt like no-one understands. I couldn't understand myself, so how could I expect anyone else to?
One of the problems I have found since accepting depression is other people's reactions. Whilst I haven't told many people about the state of my mental health, I have found there are two main responses:
1. Denial - “depression is just a state of mind – you just need to cheer up” (duuuuuhh.....). Whilst I agree that, yes, I do need to cheer up, it's not all that easy. When you're stuck in a hole, climbing out of it is pretty much impossible. I don't particularly enjoy the fact that I feel like crap and am exhausted all the time, thank you very much. This is not an excuse, it's just how I feel.
2. False sympathy - “I'm sorry to hear that. Have you spoken to anyone about it?” (YES – I'm speaking to you about it!) I think this response may actually worse than the denial response. It's really hard for me to talk about how I feel (I've been seeing a counsellor for six months, and it's taken at least five of those months for me to be able to talk to him!), so if I do take the hard decision to tell someone, it's because I trust them. Suggesting I speak to someone else is like being kicked in the stomach.
Until recently, I really struggled to cope with these responses. It felt like I was doing something wrong; that it was my fault I have depression.
However, being in New York gave me the courage I needed to start properly dealing with my demons and looking forward to re-discovering the real me.
Part of the journey has led me to writing this post. It's been in the making for a while, but today I realised that it doesn't matter what other people think, about me, about depression, about anything. I'm the person in charge of me, and I need to remember to look after me as well!
Some days that journey is easy, but on others I can feel myself slipping backwards. I need something to remind me that I can do this. And so, after a lot of thought, I decided to get a permanent reminder that I do have the courage I need to get me through:
Yep, I got a tattoo (well, another one). I love tattoos – I love their individuality and the permanent reminder of a time in your life that you felt was so important you needed to be reminded of it on a daily basis. I love the stories behind tattoos. I got my first tattoo a few years ago, and have been hooked ever since. I've wanted another for a while, and have been playing around with some ideas, but could never find the right image or font that really expressed what I wanted to say.
And then a friend of mine suggested Braille. All of a sudden, my problems were solved. Braille will never go out of date, it can mean whatever I want it to mean, AND it's like a tiny game of connect the dots!
These 19 dots mean so much – they're not just a permanent reminder that I can do this life thing. They also mean I broke a promise. For the first time in my life (well, maybe not, but it feels like it sometimes) I have done something purely for me.
When I got my first tattoo, I promised my mum I wouldn't get any on a part of my body that's visible in a wedding dress.
I've thought about it. I have no plans to get married any time soon. But if I did, my boyfriend and I have discussed this. I have two options – a corsage (flowers, yuk!) or gloves (problematic for the whole ring thing). And if that doesn't work, it's small enough I can just put a watch over it. So that justifies breaking my promise (sorry mum!)
Do I feel guilty? Of course I do, I always feel guilty – that's what depression does to me. BUT I'm also really excited about dealing with this. Writing this post is one step towards that.
(NB. I don't want sympathy – the worst thing is people feeling sorry for me. I just want to tell my story. If only one person reads this and doesn't laugh, then that's great!)
In May 2012, after nearly 10 years of fighting it, I finally accepted that I have depression.
Depression affects a lot of people in a lot of different ways, but one of the resounding effects is the feeling that you are alone in the world, and that you have to deal with everything all by yourself.
As someone who has spent their whole life (all 26 years of it) feeling like I need to look after people and trying to help everyone, I have often felt like no-one understands. I couldn't understand myself, so how could I expect anyone else to?
One of the problems I have found since accepting depression is other people's reactions. Whilst I haven't told many people about the state of my mental health, I have found there are two main responses:
1. Denial - “depression is just a state of mind – you just need to cheer up” (duuuuuhh.....). Whilst I agree that, yes, I do need to cheer up, it's not all that easy. When you're stuck in a hole, climbing out of it is pretty much impossible. I don't particularly enjoy the fact that I feel like crap and am exhausted all the time, thank you very much. This is not an excuse, it's just how I feel.
2. False sympathy - “I'm sorry to hear that. Have you spoken to anyone about it?” (YES – I'm speaking to you about it!) I think this response may actually worse than the denial response. It's really hard for me to talk about how I feel (I've been seeing a counsellor for six months, and it's taken at least five of those months for me to be able to talk to him!), so if I do take the hard decision to tell someone, it's because I trust them. Suggesting I speak to someone else is like being kicked in the stomach.
Until recently, I really struggled to cope with these responses. It felt like I was doing something wrong; that it was my fault I have depression.
However, being in New York gave me the courage I needed to start properly dealing with my demons and looking forward to re-discovering the real me.
Part of the journey has led me to writing this post. It's been in the making for a while, but today I realised that it doesn't matter what other people think, about me, about depression, about anything. I'm the person in charge of me, and I need to remember to look after me as well!
Some days that journey is easy, but on others I can feel myself slipping backwards. I need something to remind me that I can do this. And so, after a lot of thought, I decided to get a permanent reminder that I do have the courage I need to get me through:
 |
| "courage" |
Yep, I got a tattoo (well, another one). I love tattoos – I love their individuality and the permanent reminder of a time in your life that you felt was so important you needed to be reminded of it on a daily basis. I love the stories behind tattoos. I got my first tattoo a few years ago, and have been hooked ever since. I've wanted another for a while, and have been playing around with some ideas, but could never find the right image or font that really expressed what I wanted to say.
And then a friend of mine suggested Braille. All of a sudden, my problems were solved. Braille will never go out of date, it can mean whatever I want it to mean, AND it's like a tiny game of connect the dots!
These 19 dots mean so much – they're not just a permanent reminder that I can do this life thing. They also mean I broke a promise. For the first time in my life (well, maybe not, but it feels like it sometimes) I have done something purely for me.
When I got my first tattoo, I promised my mum I wouldn't get any on a part of my body that's visible in a wedding dress.
I've thought about it. I have no plans to get married any time soon. But if I did, my boyfriend and I have discussed this. I have two options – a corsage (flowers, yuk!) or gloves (problematic for the whole ring thing). And if that doesn't work, it's small enough I can just put a watch over it. So that justifies breaking my promise (sorry mum!)
Do I feel guilty? Of course I do, I always feel guilty – that's what depression does to me. BUT I'm also really excited about dealing with this. Writing this post is one step towards that.
(NB. I don't want sympathy – the worst thing is people feeling sorry for me. I just want to tell my story. If only one person reads this and doesn't laugh, then that's great!)
Thursday 18 April 2013
Writer's Block
I may have mentioned once or twice that I'm currently studying for a Masters degree. If I haven't, well... I am. Over the last week, I've been busy working on my final written assignment.
While I should have been focussing on designing learning and development interventions, I've found myself discovering topics I "need" to blog about. The past ten days have shown us some major global events, all of which I've started to write about, with the intention of finishing and publishing after finishing my essay.
Now, all of a sudden, I have submitted my assignment, and I realise I've been sitting here for the last three days staring at a blank screen, trying to work out where I want this blog to go. Now I have finished the CSW updates, I don't know what to talk about.
Where has this writers' block come from?! (Yes, I'm very aware I'm writing about not being able to write).
Having spoken to a fellow blogger, I'm told that, to be a successful blogger, one should follow other peoples' blogs and comment on everything. Whilst I do enjoy reading what other people have to say, I also enjoy being able to sleep and eat and spend time with my friends, and apparently being able to pay bills means I need to make money by going to work. So maybe success isn't what I'm looking for.
I've also been told I should write for myself, about what I want to write about. That makes sense.
Except I don't know what I want to write about.
As someone who is renowned for not doing what she's told (read: will do the exact opposite of whatever she is told to do), I've reached a bit of an impasse.
So please bear with me, and if you'd like me to talk about anything particular, please let me know!!
While I should have been focussing on designing learning and development interventions, I've found myself discovering topics I "need" to blog about. The past ten days have shown us some major global events, all of which I've started to write about, with the intention of finishing and publishing after finishing my essay.
Now, all of a sudden, I have submitted my assignment, and I realise I've been sitting here for the last three days staring at a blank screen, trying to work out where I want this blog to go. Now I have finished the CSW updates, I don't know what to talk about.
Where has this writers' block come from?! (Yes, I'm very aware I'm writing about not being able to write).
Having spoken to a fellow blogger, I'm told that, to be a successful blogger, one should follow other peoples' blogs and comment on everything. Whilst I do enjoy reading what other people have to say, I also enjoy being able to sleep and eat and spend time with my friends, and apparently being able to pay bills means I need to make money by going to work. So maybe success isn't what I'm looking for.
I've also been told I should write for myself, about what I want to write about. That makes sense.
Except I don't know what I want to write about.
As someone who is renowned for not doing what she's told (read: will do the exact opposite of whatever she is told to do), I've reached a bit of an impasse.
So please bear with me, and if you'd like me to talk about anything particular, please let me know!!
Wednesday 10 April 2013
Post CSW Culture Shock
Over the past few weeks, I've been busy reflecting on my trip to New York and the incredible work that we did at CSW. At the same time, being back in the UK and getting back to "normal" has been a total shock to the system - it's like culture shock, but the wrong way round. It took me at least three days to realise that I didn't have to wear my "Stop the Violence" t-shirt or re-pack my lobbying pack every night. It took me a week to get used to having to actually cook, rather than just popping to the deli/ corner shop/ market and buying a bucket-load of ready-made hot food (actually, I'm still not used to that... apparently chips and garlic bread is not a balanced diet). I've only just taken off my UN Women lanyard and grounds pass. And I still haven't got used to the fact that not all conversations will be about violence in some form or another.
And I'm still not convinced that this actually happened:
But these photos show that I really did it. We did it. Despite all my self-doubt and fear of failure, I went out there and proved to myself that I could do whatever I wanted to do!
It took me a while to realise this. I got back to the UK on a very cold Monday morning and battled my way through the snow to get to my city centre flat. Before I even reached my street, I could feel the shock setting in. The buildings are too small; the sky is too blue; the street signs are all wrong; the traffic is on the wrong side of the road; I don't have the right money; the accents are funny; it's cold... After eight hours at 35,000ft above sea level, my brain was really struggling to cope.
After a month of trying to deal with this, I've decided the best way to cope is to just not try. In New York, I started to see myself as a person with my own opinions and my own way of doing things. It might not fit in with what I think other people expect of me, but that doesn't mean that what I'm doing is wrong. It's just me.
So, new approach to life. Let's see how this goes... Wish me luck!
Some days, I struggle to believe that I did this:
Or this:
Or this:
But these photos show that I really did it. We did it. Despite all my self-doubt and fear of failure, I went out there and proved to myself that I could do whatever I wanted to do!
It took me a while to realise this. I got back to the UK on a very cold Monday morning and battled my way through the snow to get to my city centre flat. Before I even reached my street, I could feel the shock setting in. The buildings are too small; the sky is too blue; the street signs are all wrong; the traffic is on the wrong side of the road; I don't have the right money; the accents are funny; it's cold... After eight hours at 35,000ft above sea level, my brain was really struggling to cope.
After a month of trying to deal with this, I've decided the best way to cope is to just not try. In New York, I started to see myself as a person with my own opinions and my own way of doing things. It might not fit in with what I think other people expect of me, but that doesn't mean that what I'm doing is wrong. It's just me.
So, new approach to life. Let's see how this goes... Wish me luck!
Friday 5 April 2013
Millennium Development Goals - 1000 days to go
Friday 5th April 2013
In 2000, eight Millennium Development Goals (MDGs) were adopted by UN member states, forming an internationally agreed blueprint to ensure everyone has access to basic human rights.
The MDGs aim to improve eight key areas affecting women and men, girls and boys, all over the world. You can find out more about how the UN is working to achieve these goals on the UN Women website and here:
Today, there are 1000 days left until the end of 2015, and the target date for achievement of the MDGs.
I will talk more about the MDGs and what will happen post-2015 in future posts, but for now, here is my inspiration for the weekend:
Let's do something awesome. Let's change the world.
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